Simple Sunday- Who Am I?

It's been awhile since I posted a Simple Sunday post, since Chris is taking a Sunday nap and Patty is doing the cooking today, I have some time to think and write.

I recently enjoyed a good online conversation with one Ken Kirtley. For those of you who don't know him, or his relationship with my family... my Mom says her friends are her chosen family. So Ken is more like a favorite Uncle to me than a family friend. So a couple weeks ago, when our quick "how are you doing?" IM turned into a more interesting discussion, I wasn't surprised but found myself appreciating people in my life that I could have genuine conversations with that easily go beyond the normal surface chit chat. The reason I bring this up is because one of our random topics has stuck with my thoughts, and I thought I would expound a little and share some more confessions of a simple woman.

Who am I? It's one of the simplest and most profound questions. Today, I don't mean the big "who am I?" and "where did I come from?" deep, spiritual, and philosophical questions but the more internal... What kind of person am I? What makes me me? What truly makes me happy? What do I not have any patience for? What do I have to offer the world? What is my unique purpose in life? What are my fears and dreams? What are my real priorities? What do I want to fill my time with? What are my talents? What is my real personality? How do other people see me? Who do other people think I am? How does that relate to how I see myself? What makes me tick? Are my time, efforts, and talents in sync with my priorities? How much of myself do I let be determined by those around me? How much of myself do I sacrifice for the needs or desires of others? How much have I changed? for better or worse?

The last couple questions lead to my next point or train of thought, it's not only about who I am today, but how does that person compare to the person I used to be? How much am I the same, and how much am I different? And how much of that is a good thing? If I spent time now with someone who knew me well 2, 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago... what would they think of who they thought I was and who I am now? What would I think of myself if I could more easily see the differences?

As people we change, life in general can almost be defined by change. So it is natural to conclude that I have changed, that I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. My concern isn't whether or not I've changed but how I've changed. Have I changed for the better? Am I a better person? Have I grown? Am I better now for the changes I have made? How many of these changes have I made consciously and how many have been made from external circumstances? My personal goals are to progress, to become better, more noble, move forward. The thing I worry about is if I've done that to this point and more importantly continue to do that in the future!

Which brings me to my next question and most interesting thought, who should I be and who do I want to become? Is the person I think I am the same as the person I think I should be? Is the person I am the person I want myself to be? Am I happy with who I am? And if I'm not who I think I should be now, how do I change that? I can't change the past, and can change the present very little, but I can change the future. I can choose who I want to become. It is always easier to know where you are going if you know where you want to end up. When I mentioned in my conversation with Ken that two of my important questions are "Who am I? and Who should I be?" he responded that "That is the struggle we must have if we are introspective in the slightest?!" So my goal today isn't to tell you the answers to my questions, it is to open the questions for yours and my own introspection.

I think the effort and struggle to find the answers, the journey, is as rewarding as the destination. It is so easy to lose ourselves or to let ourselves be swept with the tides of our lives, to let those external forces erode away what we once thought to be such strong and integral parts of our being. But just as running water can erode away a sandy bank, it can tumble jagged rocks until they are smooth and slowly create beautiful and amazing canyons. Again, change is inevitable, but we can direct the path of the stream and choose what is the sand and what is the rocks! We can choose to slowly erode away the weak parts of ourselves and smooth and define our strengths. And more importantly, when we stop obsessing about the banks and rocks right at our feet, we can see the deepening of our lives and the beauty of life that surrounds us.

It has always been easier for me to dwell on my own imperfection. I've always expected more of myself than anyone around me does. I've always been the most hard on myself, and unfortunately sometimes that gets projected onto those who are close to me. But I think these questions are perplexing until I realize that the peace comes from being content with who we are, even if we aren't perfect, being content that we are trying harder and getting closer to becoming the person we truly want to be. It's important to turn our thoughts inward and be introspective and work and try, to even course correct! But it's equally as important to then cut ourselves some slack and see the majesty of all that we have accomplished and all that can be if we are just grateful for all that we already are!

Simple Friends!

“Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other's gold” Proverb

My mom says that her friends are her "chosen family." Through the years that idea has become more important to me. Since we live so far from most of our family, we've had to improvise our support group through the years. Until Sonny and Patty moved here, we didn't even have family to share holiday meals with. I remember cooking full Easter ham dinners for Chris and I, and a baby or two. But I also remember sharing my first attempts at a complete Thanksgiving dinner with friends also lacking family to share with. What is a good meal without someone to share it with?

We've had some small and some larger personal disasters happen- and when there isn't family close by to rely on, who do you turn to? With the perfect view of hindsight- I can see how hard some times were with seemingly no one to call, but I can contrast that with those grateful moments when there was someone I (we) could rely on. Whether it was as simple as calling a hairstylist friend after Abigail gave herself a mullet, or having a friend drop everything to take the kids to school when one of us was in an accident, to simply bringing a cute bowl full of chocolate to make me smile even though my basement was flooded, or good friends wanting to throw me a baby shower for my first boy even though it was my fourth child, or even offering to take the girls overnight while I had that boy! I just hope I've been able to reciprocate some of these great and small kindnesses and be as good a friend to them as they have been to me.

When we were in the process of moving to our new home, I was admittedly apprehensive and worried. We had been in our first house for almost seven years, and in that time I had cultivated some great friendships- even though I was only moving a matter of a few miles away (if that), I knew everything would be different. I was worried about how much I would stay in touch with my old friends, how long it would take to make new friends, if I would make any great friends in my new neighborhood- you know, the usual...when I was trying to make myself more optimistic about that aspect of the move, I would tell Chris, who knows, maybe my best friend that I've never met is building next door to us- I was pretty close ;)...now, it's a year later... I can happily say that I've been so blessed with not only maintaining some great old friendships but making some great new friends as well.

I'm also so blessed with such a fabulous family (but that is for a different post), I mention that because I've been lucky to also call many of my family friends. As many of you know, Sonny is Chris' only brother and when he and his wife moved here to Payson at the end of 2004, we were SO excited to finally have some family around! Nevertheless, Patty and I didn't actually know each other that well, and as anyone who has in laws can attest- that can go either way. Lucky for me, Patty is one of the most fabulous, greatest, wonderful people that I know! We've become fast friends and I couldn't ask for a better sister in law! We have so much fun planning and conspiring, even when it overwhelms our husbands which brings me to another random thought. We joke that we are the only ones in the world who could understand each other since we are the only two in the world married to those Maloy boys! (Sorry, Sonny and Chris- but come on, you know what I'm talking about ;) So I am truly grateful for Patty and her friendship!

And exciting for me, my sister Nicole and her family are moving here to Utah next week (another domino has fallen ;). While anyone who shared a seminary class with us can confirm, we didn't always get along perfectly, but for the majority of our lives- we've been very close and are also great friends- I even took her with me when I ran away from home when I was 4 (?). I know this is a big change for them, but am so happy to have them around now too. Our fun and crazy little family gatherings in Utah are growing! Yahoo...

It's interesting to me to see the wonderful friends who have popped into and sometimes out of my life at different times, and how all of them have left their mark on the person that I am today. I've talked, and laughed, and cried, and learned, and grown, and received such a richer and fuller life through the many different and wonderful people that I've been lucky enough to call "friend." And I will continue to try to live up to deserving and reciprocating their friendship.

I Am Still a Simple Woman

The other day, Sonny asked if I was wearing a Fruit Loop necklace. Naturally I quickly responded that it was Turquoise and Coral and that I had made it. So yesterday, Chris asks if I like my "Fruit Loop" necklace, and answers my quizzical look with, "well, I've noticed that you wear it a lot." Ok?... but then he expounds and points out that it's one of the reasons that he loves me and that I am his Pioneer Woman. He has been reading the Little House on the Prairie series with Isabelle and Abigail, and shares a story about the father coming home with some beads that he got from a traveler or something, and how the wife stays up and proudly strings them together to make herself a necklace. And Chris points out that this, among other things is why I'm his pioneer woman. I'm not wearing my string of pearls or my diamond pendant, I wear my bead necklace that I made with my Dad. Since, I've frequently thought about why (or why not) I am a simple woman, this caught my attention.

I like to tease Chris when he points out a beautiful woman, that they would be too high maintenance for him, and that he is lucky to have me. Sure, I like to feel pretty, and every once in awhile I even make an effort, but here is the dish. I am a jeans and t-shirt (winter- comfy sweater) girl all the way. I never have the latest trend and can rarely even tell you what the latest trends are! It's been recommended to get my hair cut every six weeks, I'm lucky if it's every six months! I do my own mani-pedi's, and usually with Express Nail polish that dries in a minute (yes, Jodi, I know they are not good for your nails). My newest fashion purchases are always off the Clearance racks, and I can't remember ever paying retail (Thanks Mom and Dad for that curse and blessing!). Almost all of my cute shoes have been given to me by my parents, and since Chris thinks I have a lot of shoes, he has obviously never seen another woman's closet! I put on makeup probably once, maybe twice a week. I know I should wash my face at night, but frankly, I'm just too lazy... But for all my lack of fashion sense- there are a couple rules I know and follow- 1. Absolutely NO Mom jeans for me! And a good fitting pair of jeans can work wonders 2. A good Bra goes a long way, always support the girls! And that's about it, I'm out.

And while I'm thinking about how not high maintenance I am... I love to tell Chris how lucky he is, in that he couldn't handle a normal woman ;) I try to tell him that normal women have hormones, and cry, and are irrational - well, at least a lot more often than I am. He really doesn't know what is coming his way with a house full of girls though- hahaha!

While I may have a healthy collection of well, everything in my kitchen (but anyone that has eaten at my house knows, that I make good use of it all ;). I would consider myself to be rather practical when it comes to money and budgeting, and how and where to spend my money- which is a handy skill in this economy. Eating out for example, my reason for enjoying a meal out is usually that I didn't have to make it, and more importantly that I didn't have to clean it up. But having said that, more and more, lately especially, I find that when we eat out I'm usually disappointed- I can cook most anything we would order (and sometimes better). And by the time you pay $10 for a hamburger and fries, or a TexMex salad, it just doesn't seem worth it.

My sister is shaking her head and saying, No, Heidi likes nice things. My take is that I'm trying more and more to only buy and keep the things that I love and that I need, and sometimes things that just make me smile (that's important too). I'm getting to the point where I would rather spend a little more on that thing that I really love, and will use, and will last than throwing my money (and time and talents, etc.) on lesser things that take up space and energy or will easily be consumed and wasted. I'm trying to put a more conscious effort into how I spend the valuable resources in my life- time, money, energy, space, love, creativity, etc.. Sometimes more successfully than others, but at least I'm trying.

And one more funny, random thought. I found out this week that two of my friends fear that I hate them. I guess the reason that is comical to me is that I honestly can't think of one person in my life that I truly hated! And more than that, there aren't even very many people in my life that I dislike all that much- there are some I want to be around more than others, but I try to see the good in people more than the bad, so, even when I don't want to make them my personal best friend, I can see why someone else would, if that makes sense. And even though Chris thinks I'm a wimp that can't say "No", the truth is that I would rather be a person that is not afraid to say "Yes" when I can. If I can help make another person's life easier, than why shouldn't I say "Yes?" And I don't think it's a bad quality to not want to hurt someone else's feelings. AND.... I tease that they are going to have to try harder to offend me, or get me to hate them. They must not know me that well. Some people are simple, they say they hate everybody equally. I'm simple, I try to look for the best in people, and TRY to ignore the little flaws, everyone has them! If I can't look past the little flaws in people around me, how can I expect them to look past mine?

So I will choose to acknowledge my own flaws, analyze them once in awhile- so that I can try to make adjustments, and hopefully I will get a little better and do a little better each day. That's all I can ask (even though as many of you know, I expect a lot more) That's my real hope, that I'm getting better and wiser and more valuable to those around me that really matter. So I will keep trying, some days more successfully than others, to get closer to reaching a little higher and being a little more to the people around me that I love. And, I will keep wearing my "Fruit Loop" necklace simply because it makes me smile.