Simple Sunday- Who Am I?

It's been awhile since I posted a Simple Sunday post, since Chris is taking a Sunday nap and Patty is doing the cooking today, I have some time to think and write.

I recently enjoyed a good online conversation with one Ken Kirtley. For those of you who don't know him, or his relationship with my family... my Mom says her friends are her chosen family. So Ken is more like a favorite Uncle to me than a family friend. So a couple weeks ago, when our quick "how are you doing?" IM turned into a more interesting discussion, I wasn't surprised but found myself appreciating people in my life that I could have genuine conversations with that easily go beyond the normal surface chit chat. The reason I bring this up is because one of our random topics has stuck with my thoughts, and I thought I would expound a little and share some more confessions of a simple woman.

Who am I? It's one of the simplest and most profound questions. Today, I don't mean the big "who am I?" and "where did I come from?" deep, spiritual, and philosophical questions but the more internal... What kind of person am I? What makes me me? What truly makes me happy? What do I not have any patience for? What do I have to offer the world? What is my unique purpose in life? What are my fears and dreams? What are my real priorities? What do I want to fill my time with? What are my talents? What is my real personality? How do other people see me? Who do other people think I am? How does that relate to how I see myself? What makes me tick? Are my time, efforts, and talents in sync with my priorities? How much of myself do I let be determined by those around me? How much of myself do I sacrifice for the needs or desires of others? How much have I changed? for better or worse?

The last couple questions lead to my next point or train of thought, it's not only about who I am today, but how does that person compare to the person I used to be? How much am I the same, and how much am I different? And how much of that is a good thing? If I spent time now with someone who knew me well 2, 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago... what would they think of who they thought I was and who I am now? What would I think of myself if I could more easily see the differences?

As people we change, life in general can almost be defined by change. So it is natural to conclude that I have changed, that I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. My concern isn't whether or not I've changed but how I've changed. Have I changed for the better? Am I a better person? Have I grown? Am I better now for the changes I have made? How many of these changes have I made consciously and how many have been made from external circumstances? My personal goals are to progress, to become better, more noble, move forward. The thing I worry about is if I've done that to this point and more importantly continue to do that in the future!

Which brings me to my next question and most interesting thought, who should I be and who do I want to become? Is the person I think I am the same as the person I think I should be? Is the person I am the person I want myself to be? Am I happy with who I am? And if I'm not who I think I should be now, how do I change that? I can't change the past, and can change the present very little, but I can change the future. I can choose who I want to become. It is always easier to know where you are going if you know where you want to end up. When I mentioned in my conversation with Ken that two of my important questions are "Who am I? and Who should I be?" he responded that "That is the struggle we must have if we are introspective in the slightest?!" So my goal today isn't to tell you the answers to my questions, it is to open the questions for yours and my own introspection.

I think the effort and struggle to find the answers, the journey, is as rewarding as the destination. It is so easy to lose ourselves or to let ourselves be swept with the tides of our lives, to let those external forces erode away what we once thought to be such strong and integral parts of our being. But just as running water can erode away a sandy bank, it can tumble jagged rocks until they are smooth and slowly create beautiful and amazing canyons. Again, change is inevitable, but we can direct the path of the stream and choose what is the sand and what is the rocks! We can choose to slowly erode away the weak parts of ourselves and smooth and define our strengths. And more importantly, when we stop obsessing about the banks and rocks right at our feet, we can see the deepening of our lives and the beauty of life that surrounds us.

It has always been easier for me to dwell on my own imperfection. I've always expected more of myself than anyone around me does. I've always been the most hard on myself, and unfortunately sometimes that gets projected onto those who are close to me. But I think these questions are perplexing until I realize that the peace comes from being content with who we are, even if we aren't perfect, being content that we are trying harder and getting closer to becoming the person we truly want to be. It's important to turn our thoughts inward and be introspective and work and try, to even course correct! But it's equally as important to then cut ourselves some slack and see the majesty of all that we have accomplished and all that can be if we are just grateful for all that we already are!