A Discussion on Marriage for Simple Sunday

Lately, I've been privy to many discussions and debates (sometimes heated) about the definition of marriage- with so many discussing what marriage is and who should or shouldn't be a part of the instituton of marriage, I've decided it is my turn to join the discussion on marriage (since other than private discussions, I've stayed quiet about the matter).

So, I've decided to share my definition of marriage- it is work! And that work is never done, and we have to repeat it every single day if we want our marriages to be successful. One of the arguments I have heard against Prop 8 is that we should allow everyone the same right to be as miserable as the rest of us, interesting. While obviously we all know people who are, what, happily married... I think the important discussion is how we can make our own marriages better, happier, more fulfilling. I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but I do have at least 11 years experience, and I've decided to impart some of my observations and wisdom nonetheless. So here are my simple thoughts on the discussion of marriage that we should be having.

In the fairy tales of our childhoods, the princess is found or saved by the handsome prince, and the conclusion is that they get married, and it always ends..."they lived happily ever after." The problem is when we grow up and still believe those things. How many of us looked forward to getting married, thinking all the games and work would end on the wedding day? How many of us planned our weddings and not our marriages? The fairy tales end at the wedding, because the marriage after that is full of reality, and responsibility, and trials, and frustrations along with the joys, and the triumphs. The wedding is not the "happily ever after," it's just the beginning.

A funny story came to mind when I was thinking about this blog, it happened so long ago, that the statute of limitations in respect to judging me or Chris about this has expired, so don't even bother. But, for those of you who know us, know that Chris and I are both very independent and stubborn and that we occasionally butt heads (more in the early years of our marriage). Our first year being married, we were in a little apartment in Provo, Utah, we were both going to school full-time and working part time. One night we were having a disagreement about who knows what, and we were both getting rather frustrated. I got frustrated enough that I walked right out the front door, and probably slammed it behind me! (there was not enough space in our cramped apartment to have some space to yourself when you needed it). I started walking but quickly realized- where was I going? I didn't have any family to go to, we had very few friends. I didn't even have a car. How frustrating to want to leave and have no where to go! So there I was sitting on the tennis courts, pouting, and steaming, and trying to figure out what my purpose was and what I intended to accomplish!? Finally, it was night and getting cold, so I decided to swallow my pride and go back in... but when I tried the door, it was locked! He had locked me out!! And no way was I going to give him the satisfaction of knocking and asking to get back in, so I went back to my spot on the tennis courts to stew some more. Now I didn't care if it was cold, it was a matter of pride! I think I saw him open the door to look for me, so I came back and accused him of locking me out, and he accused me of taking off, and not knowing where I was, etc. etc. etc.. You may be wondering where I'm going with this, well, I will tell you. There are a few lessons to be learned in this story- one, someone once asked me, "Do you want to be right? or Do you want to be happy?" and that is a VERY important question to ask yourself (all the time) in marriage. Chris and I missed out on so much in those early years if we had just been able to decide that being happy was more important than being right! And been able to control our natural tendency towards stubbornness and independence. But there was another lesson to be learned there as well- Chris and I both agree that while it has always been hard to be so far away from our families- there is a strength to us as a couple by having to get through things on our own. We couldn't run home and cry to our families when something went wrong- we had each other to work it out with and that was it. I decided early in my marriage (at the advice of my mother) to not bring my family or friends into our squabbles. Many people try to recruit friends and family to their sides to help make them feel justified- but it's damaging not only to their relationship with their spouse but to those outsiders brought in. It is harder to forgive and forget from the outside looking in, particularly at a snapshot of a situation or more complicated relationship. That is not to say that you shouldn't have a confidant, or that you shouldn't ask for help when you really need it, we jsut need to be mindful and choosy about how much of our private relationships become public. If a marriage is between a man and a woman, so are the disagreements, fights, decisions, among many other personal matters. But I think Chris' and my relationship is stronger because we have worked and grown, and built our relationship and family together, just the two of us.

Having said all of that, I return to original definition of marriage- work! (and remember that work is not a bad thing) Marriage takes work, every single day- it's like laundry, it is never finished. A successful marriage takes effort, compromise, sacrifice, selflessness- and yet, also, respect, appreciation, unconditional love, communication, and a sense of humor! I believe it was my Dad who taught me the simple math of marriage. 50% plus 50%, does not always equal 100%. When the marriage is about two people, both people have to work to give 100% all the time, because it is inevitably impossible to give 100% all the time. If we are both trying to give our equal share of only 50% and we fall short, we can never reach 100%, not even together. But if we are both trying to give 100%, and we fall short, that's okay because the other is there to pick up the slack and we are more likely to reach our goal of 100%. Simple marriage math.

But here is my real question of the day, can we give so much that we lose ourselves? Michelangelo once described his statues as being in the rock, he just needed to chip away the pieces to reveal the potential inside. I think marriage and becoming our true individual selves, is a little like that. Through our efforts and compromises, we learn and grow and hopefully don't make the same mistakes as often, and become better people and couples for it. We chip away at each other's rough edges, and more importantly at our own to reveal our own true and mroe beautiful potential. But coming back to my original question, is it possible that while we are trying to chip away our rough edges, we get carried away, or give away too much of ourselves? Do we chip beyond the potential, and this whittle away too much of who we truly are as individuals to compromise and sacrifice in the name of giving to our better halves? I think the secret is balance! The trick is finding that balance in our own lives. While we must make compromises, and sacrfices, and make changes in ourselves to make our marriages work, succeed, and be happy. We need to find the balance at chipping away the rough edges to reveal the smooth and beautiful potential that lies within the stone, without chipping so much away that the rock eventually crumbles. We have to find the balance in becoming our best and most natural true selves- and we can only find that balance for ourselves, and we can only become our truly best individual selves by sharing ourselves with someone else.

Sometimes we complain that a person has changed, a spouse has changed, the situation has changed, the expectations have changed. But the reality is that a marriage is not a stagnant entity- we are not stuck in the end credits of a movie promising a happily ever after.... we are in a living, changing, and evolving relationship. And when we recognize that, and decide to roll with the tide rather than fighting against it- it takes so much less work and we will be much less frustrated at our previous lack of progress. Without change, we cannot progress, and isn't that the point, to grow, to learn, become better people for having lived, and loved. The reality is that we are working towards progress, that tide will rise and fall- we will ineveitably have ups and downs- but it's how we weather those, it's whether or not we are ulitmately progressing- learning, and growing, and becoming better, even if it's only in small increments?! We will always have steps back, the question is if we can still take the two steps forward!

Now that we remember that relationships, and marriages are always changing, and that people are always changing- we need to have realistic expectations about who those people are, and what we want from that relationship. Unrealistic expectations can be the most damaging, because you will always be disappointed. And most of the time, we impose those unrealistic expectations on that other person we love and respect the most. But, in theory, we all know the reality that the only person we can change anyway is ourselves, so quit trying to impose those expectations on your spouse and look at how you can change your own situation, behaviors, attitude, expectations, and habits- and work to change them. Change never comes easy, but anything worth having is worth working for. And remember that one of the biggest downfalls is selfishness. When one person is selfish, or worse, both. No one's needs will be met, and anger, resentment, loneliness, will abound. We can not fulfill our own needs by ourselves, but when we are selfish we end up not fulfilling our partner's needs or our own, and we are both at a loss. On the other hand, if each act more selfless, both needs will be met by serving and caring for each other, and the cycle for good has no bounds because the more we serve, the more we love, and the more we receive, the more we give, and the more we give, the more true happiness and satisfaction we feel- it's a win win and a no brainer. The cylce can spin either way, so which direction makes more sense in your lives?

While marriage undoubtedly does take work and effort (and no, it's still not a bad thing). Work is often given a negative connotation in this entitle generation, but the reality is that anything worth having is worth working for, and we do find great satisfaction in a well made effort. And the rewards can be incalculable. But on a still more positive note- we need to keep the big picutre in mind- why are we making the effort? why are we working so hard in the first place? Hopefully, we are working at this relationship, and this thing called marriage because we entered into this contract, because we love each other. We want each other to be happy. We want the other's burden to be lighter. We want to show love, and respect, and appreciation. It has been said that too often we are nicer to strangers we encounter than to our loved ones living under own roof- familiarity sometimes brings apathy, or lack of effort in basic human decency. We need to make a greater effort to be nicer to the ones we love the most- a little kindness can go a very long way! It's okay to think differently, and even to disagree, it's okay to have our own thoughts and opinions- the secret is that no matter how much we disagree, to always remember to show kindness, and respect for each other- and everything else can work itself out. Even therapists have said that they don't care what their couples are fighting about, they care about how they treat each other and how they end the fight- that is more telling than the subject matter of the fight, rarely is the subject matter of real importance anyway. In my story of stewing on the tennis courts- I couldn't tell you what the fight was about to save my life, but I remember the feelings, and more importantly, I remember that we resolved it and have obviously been moving forward ever since.

But most importantly, ALWAYS try to show respect, appreciation, care and concern, genuine interest, treat each other better than strangers or acquaintances. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. And always try to have the positives outweigh the negatives in the grand scheme of things. And it's not the big, grand displays of affection- it is the constant little thoughtful and simple kindnesses that have the greatest impact. They build and develop our relationships into unbreakable bonds. And remember that love is not a noun- it is a verb! It is an action, so act!

That is at least a beginning to the discussion I think we should be having about marriage- and the reality is that our own marriages are the only thing we have any real control over so that is where we need to put our greatest effort, and where we will receive our greatest reward!